Eight, FROGS (1972)! Jaws, but it’s amphibians!

Okay, actually this film pisses me off. Because generally speaking when a monster film is TITLED after something, you expect that thing to be the primary antagonist of the film! Which is in fact NOT the case with Frogs (1972)! Only one person in the whole film is actually SUGGESTED to be killed by frogs, all the others die to actual predators or, like, falling face-first into pesticides or poor trigger discipline! If this film had followed proper monster movie title convention it would be called Common Household Accidents (1972)! Fuck off!

#Monsterdon

Seven, THE GORGON (1964)! It’s hard to hate Hammer Films flicks. They had such a talent for finding beautiful locations for pretty people to take their shirts off in.

The Gorgon is actually a vampire movie without a vampire, which is bad enough, but its real sin is that it changes protagonists no less than four times. The worst one is the THIRD protagonist, who actively calls in the FOURTH protagonist to take his place and then DOESN’T LEAVE. So the last half hour of the film you’ve got a character just flapping around loose! Ah well, at least the Gorgon is well-designed, wish we got to see more of her.

#Monsterdon

Six, MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE (1987).

Hey, it’s Tom Paris! Kind of surprisingly good in a hammy kind of way, I think of this film the same way I think of the Transformers movie -- it’s an hour-and-a-half toy ad, but it’s a FUN hour-and-a-half toy ad. Frank Langella as Skeletor is BY FAR the best thing about this film, chewing scenery like a real champ. But once again the Goth chick is my favorite of the cast, I think Evil Lyn should team up with Nyah, the titular Devil Girl from Mars, and terrorize the galaxy. It’d be a blast :D

#Monsterdon

Hoo boy, number five is INVASION OF THE STAR CREATURES (1962). Woof. This one gets my vote for Worst Movie of the Year. Maybe in the whole of #Monsterdon. It’s like... You know when your Grandpa tries to tell you a joke, but because it was a joke from eighty years ago it’s simultaneously incomprehensible, inane, and offensive? Yeah, that’s Invasion of the Star Creatures. Except this movie is 80 minutes long. It’s a hideously racist, offensively sexist, cringe-inducingly embarrassing attempt at a film that, if you were feeling charitable, you might describe as a satisfactory ipecac.

The best thing I can say about it is that its sad attempts at slapstick made me appreciate even the racist Looney Tunes cartoons, because at least those have SOME redeeming features.

#Monsterdon

Four, PIRANHA (1978)!

If there’s one thing I’ve learned about Hollywood from #Monsterdon, it’s that the industry will latch onto anything that hits and make and re-make (and re-re-remake) that one film under different names until the concept is as flat as six-month-old roadkill. Which is a long-winded way of saying Pirhana is just Jaws again. I think we watched, what, four or five different versions of Jaws this year?

Pirhana does have some decent chemistry between the leads, at least, and the Pollution Saves the Day ending is funny if nothing else. But overall, I thought it was pretty uninspired.

#Monsterdon

Third, INVASION OF THE BEE GIRLS (1971)!

What is it about the 1970s that every film to come out of the decade was coated in a thin layer of grease? And IotBG is one of the greasier, featuring no less than four sex scenes in the first twenty minutes and a fairly graphic rape scene in the back nine.

The goofy “women genetically crossed with bees need sex to live” plot would be embarrassing enough on its own, but combined with the cavalier attitude towards sexual violence the plot makes for a pretty gross flick. Definitely needed a shower after this one.

#Monsterdon

Number two was BATTLE BEYOND THE STARS (1980). One of the more competent Star Wars knockoffs, Monsterdon repeat offender Roger Corman serves up a scifi flick with some seriously psychosexual starship designs.

The film also features a sprawling cast full of some very silly characters -- the Texan space trucker with the belt-mounted booze dispenser that makes it look like he’s pissing in a glass and then drinking it is a real winner -- but Robert Vaughn as Gelt kind of steals the show. Overall it’s surprisingly solid and a lot of fun.

#Monsterdon

(also I'm doing this by the seat of my pants, so have some patience :P) #Monsterdon